I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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