Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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