I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
