Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
