Duck Duck Cougar?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
