having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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