My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
