you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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