Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
