Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize