we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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