I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
