i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i just had sex bonerless
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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