Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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