He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
