just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
