cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
