There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
