I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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