I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
