Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
