Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
