I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
