Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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