Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize