She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
