What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
