Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
