Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
