can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
