It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
