there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
