Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
So much Jack, so little girl.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize