Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
