woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
