The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize