Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
