Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You are a genius and a whore.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
