I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
