Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
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