Me. At least after what I've been through.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Semen is not good for contacts.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
