he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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