All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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