What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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