you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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