I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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