fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Randomize
