Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
