yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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