I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
