Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
