The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
