Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
