Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
