I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I forgot wine drunk hurts
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
