i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
