he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
