he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
