Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
