dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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