You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
