She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
