Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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