So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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