OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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